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MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY ROUND:

Posted on:4/4/2006
Written By: Shilpa Srivastava
This article of mine is basically about the concept of Marraige as it exists in Indian Society.Herein I would like to add that this is not meant to hurt the sentiments of any one.We should value tradition I also agree but not at the cost of a person's individuality.I welcome comments from the readers.


 

She sits demurely watching the sacred fire, resplendent in bridal finery. The pandit chants the mantra, she gets up, looks coyly at her would be husband, her veil is tied to the groom’s ‘chaddar’, they complete the ‘saptapadi’ or the ‘saat pheras’, call what you may, around the sacred fire. The marriage is solemnized.

 

An unexpected thing, which is sure to happen, is what we call marriage. When it will happen, how it will happen questions are many which may delve in a person’s mind but the answer is, one it is going to happen. In India marriage is a sure thing, it will happen one just has to wait and watch. We have some strong souls who think differently, now don’t get me wrong, I am not intending to say that those who marry are weak souls, I just want to say that some people who can well follow their own principles and decide to travel the path of their life on their own in a country where marriage is the third important aspect apart from birth and death, we should give some credit to them isn’t it? But let me not divert from the main point of discussion, which is - what one faces in the process of marriage specially what women face in India. Why I am discussing about women, no not because I am a feminist or just because I am a woman myself but for the only reason that Indian girls have to experience a whole lot of things till they get married and after that, well least said the better. My sincere apologies to the feminists but I ask them, have they been able to change the scenario of marriages in India, the answer is no they have not.

 

What is the scene? It starts with a girl being born in the family. From that time onwards it will play at the back of the mind of her family members that she has to be married one day. As she grows up once in a while she’ll be asked to do this or to do that or else what will happen when she goes to her in law’s house. Times have changed and its not like earlier days when girls were not allowed to study. Now they get higher education so they yearn for more freedom. But hardly she gets freedom, even if the urban girl is successful in getting some liberty, what about the girls who are in the villages. They don’t have the opportunity to study, they are forced to stay in their houses, listen to all sorts of harsh words for the very reason that she was born as a girl. Marriage for them, may be straight from hell because these girls are married off the moment they reach 18-20 years of age, may be before and they may be giving birth to kids at an age when her body is itself developing. As far as the story of urban India is concerned, marriage is a packaged deal where the more you shell out, obviously money what else, the more you get the good deal i.e. the husband. Dowry exists in such a shameless way that one stops to think that how two individuals unite for life after knowing that their relation stands not on the foundation of love, affection or trust but money.

 

The problems are many but first it is necessary to know how the nuptial knot is initially tied. First and foremost you have to be around 25 years, more young the better. Girls have to be fair complexioned and such an emphatic demand it is for being fair, that even numerous cosmetic companies proclaim in making you fair, making you fair so as to open the doors of good luck. Then next prerequisite is that one has to be slim, tall as well, surprisingly a person who himself may be 5’7’’ or 5’9’’ his demand will also be for a tall girl, why? Beats me. Now his is an average height but still he has the desire to find a tall girl. Next quality, she has to be educationally qualified, may be professional if you are, then you are supposed to work as well, yes this is also there in the requirements. Also it may be said that you have to be homely then forget about working. If you have all these qualities then you are fit to be considered in the marriage market. Now comes the question of family background, you should have well settled individuals in the family. It matters more if one or two member in your family is in high posts. This is value addition to your qualifications.

 

Now that you have all the suitable requirements you are now ready for display. My apologies for using harsh words but this is the fact. It may so happen that some people may like you, and then they will be coming to see the prospective bride and also her house. Well when the judges come don’t forget to be at your best, you should be beautifully dressed in Indian attire, mostly sarees. They don’t have to talk to a lot, don’t laugh just smile shyly, speak when you are asked something not before that, don’t give your opinions, how could you, remember you are the Indian would- be bride. Then it may so happen that if you are talented in some other fields like music, dance etc. you have now ample scope for showing off your skills in front of the best judges of your life. All this while no one is concerned to ask the prospective groom or so to say grill him in the same way. God forbid if some modern families do then most probably this girl may not be accepted. Yes exceptions are there where recently I heard of two persons very much in love with one another; now both of them belonged to different castes. The girl was Bengali and the boy Gujrati so when the boy met the girl’s parents he had to face the brunt. He was asked how much he earned, whether he had his own house to not, to which he replied in affirmative that was it, the girl’s family who were all this while weary to accept this guy readily agreed. Reason he had his own house, now isn’t this too much. Wasn’t the fact that the two of them loved each other and were well settled enough for their marriage. Anyhow here I remember another incident where some persons come to see a girl, find her sister more beautiful and they say that they want her sister as their daughter-in-law and the marriage actually happened. No one was concerned about how the girl felt and the sister was happily married to the fellow. Yes there are instances where people will just ask such fanciful persons to go away and look for their great wishes somewhere else but some will think that at least one of their daughters will be married. In some cases if a girl has a sister younger than her, then the sister is not allowed to come in front of people who have come to see her elder sister, sometimes friends are also asked not to come. And after all what can be done if we have such people in society who go to see girls in the same way as they would go to buy a thing. As I teach children I was once interacting with the parents of one child. Now she wanted me to devote some more hours to her child, which I was not able to give so I asked her to look for some other teacher. Promptly she replied that she was looking for a girl to marry her son that she would be looking here and there. Her child will be well adjusted to my style of teaching so I should be teaching him. Now come to think of this such is the attitude of the people in selection of bride. The whole process of ‘girl- seeing’ appears dumb and totally ancient to me. Why I say this because I just don’t understand why not let the two people just see each other, know themselves better and why not the families interacts separately. Now this is too high an ambition, as much fanfare is done and the whole family of the boy descends in the girl’s house. Only when they are fully satisfied, the prospective bride and the groom are allowed to interact in some cases. Now here again an incident comes to my mind and this time I myself experienced it. Even though I virtually hate this system some people were supposed to come and see me. Why I agreed for this, just because I knew anyhow this won’t work and also I wanted an opportunity to feel for myself the whole procedure. Now one of my friend’s father knew the uncle of this concerned person whose proposal had come to me, so the boy’s uncle was supposed to come and see me .On that day we were just waiting for them but after a long time they came, fine no problem, but after a while they declared that actually I was an year older than the boy so this alliance was not possible and for our assurance they comforted us that there were many prospective grooms and my marriage was going to happen. Their behaviour showed as if I was really desperate for marriage and I needed sympathy. And the most annoying fact was that my friend’s father was in fact assuring me more, it was really strange that when they had my profile with them didn’t they see my age there. But this was not the actual reason. It must have been something else. Maybe after analyzing our living status they backed out, who knows and obviously I don’t care.

     Another aspect of  marriage is  matchmaking or ‘Guna-Milap’ that is matching the horoscopes of both individuals .Indian Astrology follows  calculations based on date ,time,  place of birth then the horoscope is prepared . When the horoscopes of two individuals are compared its always seen that out of 36 matching points 18 and above are matching or not because then it is said one can have a prosperous married life and thus then only a girl or boy is suitable for each other .There is another aspect to this matchmaking it won’t do if a person turns out to be mangalik, well now what is this ,it is the position of the planet Mars in your natal-chart which makes you quite dangerous to another person who is not a mangalik, it is thus believed. If a person marries another person who is not a mangalik then he or she will be fatal for the other person .When we come to think of this one planet away from our planet has such an effect on our life as if this world was not enough . Herein I remember one incident,my friend she was a South Indian hailing from Tamilnadu. Her family had firm belief in horoscopes etc. now she was declared a manglik and for that she was asked to light a lamp or ‘ diya” as it is called in India, every Tuesday in the temple of Goddess Durga the Goddess of power. Now after that she got a marriage proposal and when her horoscope was matched it was found that she was not a mangalik .She was happily married, this indeed is a story with a happy ending but what about those who are not so lucky souls. They suffer in deep depression and live in remorse .How can we accept the fact this fact that God made someone so dangerous that he or she is fatal for their partners and then again God is pleased when you offer worship as if otherwise we won’t get His blessings. We have a mind block regarding horoscopes and even though we may be quite modern in outlook still this ‘Guna-Milap’will be followed .As if marriages are not broken if a perfect matching is there also can anyone avoid death, so why blame someone else for that? What a difficult path one has to tread to reach the ultimate goal that is of being a complete woman  and  you will be virtually bombarded  with questions ,why you are in the single state still  now when  do you intend to get married etc. etc. If a single woman goes to a gathering where some people with a rigid mindset may have come then she should be prepared for strange glances, hushed whispers regarding her single status as well as snide remarks, her crime she still prefers to be single. It really becomes difficult for a person to be social in such situations, the result you become drawn to yourself, fear company and all. My mother’s cousin sister  who was not  married  till she was 31 years of age, so at each and every  occasion  held in our family ,this question did the rounds- whether her marriage will take place this year   or not , did anyone think how she  must be feeling, no one was concerned about the fact that there must  be  some problems that’s why her parents were  not able to marry her off. And if  she had  such great well wishers why didn’t they take the initiative for her marriage. No that no one will do ,here people are for free advice ,they don’t use it themselves so they keep dropping it at every opportunity.And  when  parents don’t  provide mental  support to their daughters in such cases ,then it adds to their woes.

        It is accepted if a man is unmarried, after all he is eligible bachelor, but an Indian woman unmarried – why the attitude is different to this beats me, why is this believed that just because you chose not to marry, it’s not your choice but out of compulsion you may be doing as there may be fault in you only. As I am not particularly sold on the concept of marriage, neither I am against it nor do I look forward to it. So I am in the bliss of being single at the age of 32, now people don’t think my way so they bring prospective alliances for me. One of my well wisher tried to convince me to marry a divorcee, why because a person who is divorced will be more careful in his second marriage .Now agreed that it’s totally baseless that always a divorcee will be at wrong and it is just the same as marrying an unmarried person. But this is not the point here but the fact that what was the intention of my well-wisher. Now this lady wanted me to marry anyone who came my way be it someone shorter in height to me or someone years older than me or may be widower, divorcee whatever as because I may be having many flaws in me so why was I being so selective in my choice I should accept whatever came my way.

 

Firstly what flaws we are talking here, the fact that I am past the typical age of a married person or the fact that I am not going to provide a dowry. And when you point out my flaws then you only accept that there are flaws in the person you are asking me to marry. Now this lady when I meet her again comes with another of her valuable suggestions, this time she narrates an incident of her relative or friend I don’t exactly remember who was married at the age of 31 or so, when this lady becomes pregnant a tumour is found in her kidney , now here my well-wisher adds because of late marriage all this happened and so lesson  learnt from this story was that either  I should marry fast  or I may suffer from dreadful diseases as well . So much for marriage, isn’t this just too much, I just imagine if I being outspoken sort has to hear all this then what about those girls who are made to suffer all this without uttering a single word. They are just target for sniggers and remarks and this result in a mental trauma.

                Girls are regarded as ‘ Paraya-Dhan’ meaning someone else’s property, from her childhood till her becoming adult she is brought up in a suitable way so that when she goes to her own house meaning her husband’s house she they adjust their properly, or else a finger may be pointed to the culture of entire family So many things are nurtured in the girl how to sit, how to eat, how to talk, yes poise is good for anyone but just note the fact for which a girl is nurtured, to prepare her for marriage not to develop her personality And what  happens if the ways  taught  appear to be different from her husband’s house then where  does that lead  her obviously to more and more trouble isn’t it , then be prepared for another training in life ,as if your life is a school, be trained in a manner ,undo it  and proceed to fresh training again after marriage. Indeed marriages are made in heaven processed on earth, branded and consumed in a most astonishing way.

 

It is said that a girl goes in a “ Doli” (bridal carriage) from her father’s house and her life journey is completed in her husband’s house from   where she goes in a  “Arthi”( carriage of the dead) .This means that whatever may be the outcome your life is completed in your husband’s  house and where you are now is not going to be your permanent home. This temporary character rendered to a girl’s existence leads more to insecurity in a girl’s mind, may I ask who has decided about this well who else but the society who thinks it has the sole right to decide what is right, what is  wrong , isn’t  the life of people their own so why not marriage be as well  why it  would be not  left  to the consent of  each individual ,why burden people with norms and rules .This is the reason why a  girl’s  birth  even  today  results in a sigh, a boy’s  birth leads to celebration  because with the  birth  of a girl only the thought of her marriage comes  and  with that comes the tormenting thought of  dowry  which lurks like  a vicious monster devouring so many  innocent lives in the process.

The attitude vary greatly among people. If all works out well and marriage is fixed, tensions start now. The groom’s family will act as if they are the privileged ones and the bride’s family has to in fact bend backwards to please them. Right from  arrangements of gifts to invitations to the  prized  aspect  dowry all has to be according to the liking of the groom’s family .One  could get the feel once one attends a marriage ceremony utmost care is taken to give a   grand welcome to the “ Baraat”  or the  procession of the groom or who comes  with all  his  family members and friends , it won’t do if they  are dissatisfied with a trivial  thing, right from  the food served the arrangements made  for their stay and more ,there are many nitty gritty . Dowry or “Dahej”  as  it is called  here may include all , for  example house, cars, household   items ,clothes, jewellery  and  much more  also there may be demand for cash. Well  this has to be according to what  has been demanded . Why all this only because one is getting a groom so shouldn’t one pay for it.

 

The range of dowry varies and it depends on give and take .The more one has the capability to satisfy the demands of the people the more  “efficient” groom one is going to get. It’s  another fact how much efficiency he really will have . The demand table varies ,it may start from anywhere in lakhs  to crores of rupees if one wants a well settled groom .Recently a civil servant in the Indian Administrative Service was held up because he demanded Rs.1 crore as dowry. Here weddings are organised on a lavish scale with unimaginable expenses. One can just get an idea if one attends such marriages where money flows like water so to say. Some people just think that it adds to their social status if they give a huge amount of dowry in their daughter’s wedding regardless of the fact that they are setting up a trend, which is going to make the living of other people difficult. Those people who are not in a position to do the bare minimum how can they survive in this society where it is believed that giving away money you are buying your daughter’s happiness. But nevertheless as the custom has propagated in a big way, result is that it may so happen that some people just have to take loans more than their capacity to pay and well they may continue paying the debts all through their life, houses, property may be kept in mortgage all bank balance may vanish away and that happens only because no one has the courage to protest against this system, we just remain meek spectators to this atrocity. In fact when the newly wed bride comes to her husband’s house as much as she is the centre of attraction so are the things which she may have brought with herself, there will be a display of all the items, jewellery and the other goodies with much enthusiasm. And if there is not much for display then what one is going to receive, obviously satirical remarks and blames that her parents got such a good husband for her so easily. Either she accepts all silently or if she protests which rarely happens as such then more abuses are delivered her way. She has to face more hardship, as she is not expected to speak out.

 

Some brave souls are still there who oppose dowry and regard it as a social evil. In New Delhi a girl reported to police when the groom’s family asked for dowry. They were arrested along with the groom. But the point is how many such people can come forward. We have many cases where marriage stops because of dowry, many instances where the groom gets up from the ‘mandap’ (place where wedding is solemnized) just because the girl’s family may be unable to meet the demands. The list is presented beforehand only and it won’t do if you fail in fulfilling it. It is surprising that how this system has spread all over India irrespective of the economic condition of the people, the maid who works in my house she  wants her daughter to marry now as a dowry she’ll have to give gold necklace ,earrings ,watch, clothes etc. and apart from that five to ten thousand rupees in cash . Now she hardly earns Rs.1500 every month and she is hardly able to support her family how can she arrange so much dowry? And she told me if she didn’t then she would not be able to marry her daughter.

 

If  we  go through the history of India we  can find that there was a custom prevalent here that was of  ‘Swayambar’ where the bride was at her liberty to choose her own husband  from among the prospective grooms vying to marry her . The bride used to walk around with a garland in her hand and whoever she liked she put the garland around that person’s neck. But the set of things point out to a different picture nowadays now maybe girls are not assembling as such but the fact is the same, now it’s the turn of boys to choose whom they want to marry and the girls have to prove themselves, girls are also allowed to choose yes I agree but not in the way a boy is given the liberty. A girl has to weigh many pros and cons, she just cannot always reject whimsically just because she may not be able to say that she does not like the face of a person or that she finds the complexion of the boy a bit too dark for her liking. I am not saying that this attitude is justified if a girl has this no it’s not but why then we wholeheartedly accept these tantrums of a man, can anyone answer this question? The righteousness   of action arises only in case of a woman not in case of a man. A matrimonial advertisement for a fair beautiful bride can be there but why can’t be there an advertisement for handsome, smart groom why then only educational qualifications, family background is stressed upon. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and yes obviously it’s skin deep but if man has certain wishes a woman can also have, but no in her case she’ll be chided and told why is she being so choosy, she shouldn’t be looking for appearance but the fact that the person is well settled or not he has good family background or not and so on. But when a bride will be selected then she should have beauty, brains and of course other details as well like well-off family etc.

 

As times are changing so ways of people are also changing and so now we have the internet instead of the usual matchmaker and marriages are now a different scenario nowadays. There are innumerable websites arranging for grooms as well as brides. Gone are the days when news  use to spread from word to mouth that someone is willing to marry ,people now even don’t have the time to wait for responses from matrimonial columns in newspaper , now the onus lies to these websites where one just have to register ,state one’s requirements and one will have a list of prospective alliances from which one can select ,also can interact with each other and then proceed in a definite way. A novel way to unite two persons for life as it do away the initial hesitation of two strangers  here they get acquainted with each other before coming face to face.  But then again this has in a way allowed the people to indulge in frivolous relations.

 

They don’t  have to be  accountable to anyone as such so they are free to do whatever they want to do. It may  be that they are married Still they may be just delving in all this for the fun of it, people may be posting profiles just to lure innocent girls because they love to be in dreams of some girls after all what does it take to be just this much that  one has to  present a good profile with a photo which  may not be there own and just one has to keep on chatting on the  internet then  when the girl asks these person to meet them they will disappear in thin air .Yes it can also happen that some person may be residing abroad as well and he may come down to India marry the girl and then he may say that  he’ll call his wife afterwards as there always be visa problems ,have to be ,so here you are to stay back  as dutiful wife and wait for your dear husband who will call you one day ,only that the day will never come  and here you are staying neither as a single woman nor as a married one ,yes on top of that it may so happen as well that the woman may become pregnant so what come on you have married an NRI isn’t that enough for you that your husband is staying abroad, recently the Indian Government was delving on this issue how to stop this crime. Now what actually happens is that this so called husbands are half the time married only they have their wives there and in vacation they come over to India and so to say perform a vacation marriage, now how to nab this culprits that is not exactly my concern but where does this leaves us nowhere exactly.

              I somewhat became a fool myself, what happened is that I was just browsing through profiles of grooms and there was this guy in US, Texas, well I liked his profile so I sent a message to this guy he also responded immediately and said that  we can be friends know each other well fine I also liked his way of talking seemed a decent guy to me ,then he wanted to interact  with my brother ,his mother also sent me mails what a rosy picture presented ,he said he’ll be coming in India in March so we can think of marriage . All was settled even I started preparing for the gala event the fool I was  he even kept on advising me what to do what to buy and yes all this was continuing for three months and one thing as well no he was quite decent in his talk no obscene talks etc. that was the reason I believed in him I thought if he only had the intention of chatting then he would have talked rubbish he is not doing so. Anyway when the day neared he said he had to go to Paris for some work of his after that he will start for India that was it the last time I talked to him, after that however hard I tried to contact him no mails, no connection on phone always his brother picked up the phone and said he was stuck up in Paris because of ensuing Gulf War which happened this year ,well our marriage date was tentatively fixed on 29th March and this guy then again sent me a mail on 27th March saying he was very busy in Paris ,was really sorry as he was not able to keep in touch and also he was at airport only leaving for India .That was the end as there was no news after that ,I am just bewildered with this that how can a man have so much patience just to go on talking  with a person for three months at a stretch just for vanishing away but that is it this is life and its  different colours.So what we should do ,play a gamble like  either you submit yourself to all those customs of girl-seeing  or if not that if you go and search for the groom yourself be prepared for anything and just everything, seems its better to fall in love and then marry  better proposition at least  you can be sure of what you are going to get but the thing is that love is a phenomenon it just happens you can’t make it happen. I know  things are not that negative but  they are not positive as well .

 

       Strange is our perceptions here in India, whereas at one place we believe that marriages are made in heaven but when if someone falls in love and wants to marry the person one loves it’s not exactly taken in good sense, why this disparity between arranged marriages and love marraiges. Numerous are the cases of arguments, quarrels even violence resulting out of the fact that there may be two persons in love from different communities, caste barriers matters a lot and if the two persons are of different religion then more trouble may come. There was this case of Jaswinder Kaur who was settled in Canada she fell in love with a guy in India in Punjab, her family opposed her but she stood against her family and married the guy she loved but her family could not accept this fact her mother along with her uncle hired some killers and one day they attacked the couple and took them in a secluded place and then they rang up the girl’s mother what to do and it’s unbelievable but true that the girl’s mother asked the killers to kill her daughter reason as she had maligned the image of the family according to her so she was ready to see her own daughter dead. This may be an extreme case of rigid customs but it is true that people really resort to many ways so as to stop a marriage, which may not be according to their liking. Yes it’s true that there are intercaste as well as interreligious marriages but instances where they are heartily accepted by family members are rare ,in rural India people infact kill such couples, banish them from villages even ostracise them so to say. And still it is in this country it is believed that God fixes the marriage up in heaven as if God looks after these pros and cons and then decides who would marry on earth .

                            These are some of the facts how marriages are arranged or happen but what happens after that well less said the better.Marraiges are so to say become synonymous to adjustments ,why well because two different individuals who may never have met before or may have never talked to each other ,may not know about the likes or dislikes of each other may be pitted with each other and married .Now what happens is that the wife is expected mostly to change herself  to the new surroundings totally she may have never liked some things but now she has to like it why because her in-laws may have particular liking to it  like for example she may be a extrovert type of person but here she’ll be expected to be restrained not talk to much just an example of what happens ,she may be expected to be deft in housework and  mistakes won’t  earn her good reputation and to be in good books of her mother-in-law is really an uphill task her life may finish but she may not get good remarks ,yes some mother-in-laws are really exceptions they are just like true mothers but if only each woman had such good luck so as to get such a mother-in-law then where was the problem. The reasons for the dislike of  the newly wed bride may be many she may not have brought dowry or if have may have brought not the desired amount ,yes another interesting aspect of marriages are that boys also face same luck how well it’s in this way that if he is not as well off as his wife’s family he may have to face humiliation at his in-laws house .So where this leads us, money really matters and it matters in a big way.

 

Yes money has a huge impact on people’s attitudes and one strange aspect of Indian marriage scenario is this that of a husband staying at his wife’s place the term given to as Ghar-Jamai,it may be due to reasons that there may not be any son in the house so the son-in-law is considered as the son only ,good it is but that is only one side of the story as  it may be due to the fact that the girl was so pampered that her parents may not have the heart to send her to her in-laws’ house and agreed that the girl’s parents do not have their own son but what  about the boy’s parents whose son goes away well may be one party has to sacrifice and whoever has the greater say will do.Sometimes it is the groom only who may forcibly come and stay in his wife’s house for lure of property or whatever as there may not be any legal heir ,in any way this situation leads to trouble as isn’t it said something looks good in its place only.Infact here the husband appear to be without selfrespect ,he may not be treated as he would have been if he stayed in his house and how does the wife agree that’s also surprising ,but then people stay like that and it doesn’t affect them at all ,one more feature of marriage it is.

                         The most ugly facet of marriage is torture on brides, wife beating and dowry deaths. The bride gets ill-treatment if she has not brought dowry ,she’ll be just treated as a maid so to say infact I came to know of a family who just asked their maid  not to come as their son had married ,in many Indian homes the daughter–in-law  is expected to do all the house work and if she is to falter in that she is done for ,she may be working inhumanly from morning till night but  still there may be complaints and all but if it stopped at this then where was the worry. There are instances of wife beating by husbands ,inhuman torture like burning with cigarette stubs and  maybe not given food as well and if she complains then law rarely comes to her rescue or may be by the time the legal guardian act one life is finished .An innocent girl may be burnt alive she may die or she may survive with scars both on her body as well as soul and no one there to support her as she is expected to stay  in her husband’s house only so her parents also don’t want her to come along with them .The inefficacy of law can be realised from an incident which took place way back in 1975, it happened in a reputed school in Calcutta, the principal’s wife died in mysterious circumstances on given poison in her food ,there was police case against  her mother-in-law as well as her husband but till date no one was able to nab the real culprit who was that everyone knew but no proof was there and even if it was there it was suppressed ,there was so much splashing of the incident in media but ultimately nothing really happened and as time passed everyone forgot ,people have short memory after all and where each day they are fed on daily dose of such events it stops to affect them but it matters for those who face it

 

     This may be a narration of extreme problems arising from marriages but nevertheless there are certain problems which need mention apart from these like the amount of adjustments that goes in making a marriage successful, yes when two individuals have to live their life together and when they come from a totally different environments then it’s expected that differences will be there and one should sort them out cordially. But if it’s expected that one has to change oneself totally then isn’t this asking for too much and that is exactly what happens at least in India for women, it’s expected of them to mould themselves totally to the surroundings she may have been a jovial person but it may so happen that her nature may not appeal to her new home so expected from her that she becomes restrained, herein I would like to tell of a person who is married now with one kid she is a working woman helping in her family business ,I happened to just ask her that what was her opinion regarding marriages being made in heaven ,now I expected a positive response from her as she appeared happy to me no problems as such met the eyes but the moment I said this she replied no she didn’t believe that marriages were made in heaven not at all but it was totally an earth product as she never thought she would be married the way she was ,now that prompted me to ask her how she was married ,she said she was a very independent  sort of a person and she wanted to be a chemical engineer but her father fell ill and she was hurriedly married off at the age of 21 ,well then she completed her  Masters in  Arts as there was no scope for her pursuing her dreams ,now everything appears quite fine from surface but she asked me to come with her once to her parents house and look for myself how she is there and how was she at her in-laws house the rest was understood ,she also requested me not to use her name as I  knew what  can happen if anybody came to know that she was talking about all this .She asked me if marriages were made in heaven why there were dowry deaths ,was that also God sent, why  women were humiliated if  no son was born to her ,valid point it was .She said that even if she had to read a book she had to think twice to do that ,if she has to go out she had to ask the permission of each and everyone before that  was that freedom in the real sense no it was not at all I  agree to that .My classmate was married off to a known family friend’s son she went off to U.S .A. and there her real torture started off ,her husband curbed all her freedom and after some time even resorted to beating her ,the result she was divorced and well people say that upbringing and culture matters then what happened here? Another of my friend got married after some time her husband asked her to bring Rs.400000 from her father failing which her father was asked to take her away as she was not keeping well there, after that divorce was the logical culmination. The stories are endless but boils down to one fact something needs to be done to change the scenario.

 

There has to be change in attitudes of people and as we are on the path of progress similarly we should be free from some set notions and ideas, marriages are totally a personal matter and society shouldn’t intervene too much in that
  
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